Hey luv! I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this right now. I can imagine how heavy this is weighing on you, especially while battling depression.
It feels cheap throwing advice at you under such heavy circumstances, you know? Saying things like, “It’ll get better” are over said. I’m sure you’ve heard it all already. So what I’ll do instead is give you pure honesty, to help set you up to brave the battle.
Things are going to suck for a while. You’re going to have to make a choice, and consequently you’ll be left feeling as though you’re hurting someone. You’re going to miss the parent you don’t live with, but you can always visit. Since you’re home schooled, is it an option for you to do a half-and-half thing even?
Divorce sucks. It’s not fun for anyone involved … but at the same time, staying with someone you hate is more toxic than a divorce. At some point both of your parents will be reintroduced to happiness, and it’ll rub off on you. You’ll feel it too. Also, as humans, we’re quite adaptable—we adjust and get used to things we never thought we would or could get used to. After a while, you’ll come to terms with their separation.
You’ve been battling depression for quite some time, and I’m so sorry…I can’t even try to fathom how hard it’s been dealing with it for so long.
Do you see a therapist ever? I know that with some depressed patients, they’re advised to speak with professionals from time to time—to purge their minds and to help them begin to see things in a way they might have been blind to. I know this might not be an option for you, but if it is then now might be the time to speak out to someone. Someone who you can sit across from and spill everything to. Someone who’ll listen and patiently wait and offer up the strongest, best weapon to fight this upcoming battle with. I have a friend who went to therapy for social anxiety, and she told me that it really helped more than she ever would have thought to just be able to sorta verbalize everything she was thinking and worrying about. She really felt like her therapist was her friend … she listened, they talked about other random things that friends would talk about too, and she eased my friend back to her strongest self.
Try to keep good communication with your parents through this if you can. Ask them each if they’d be okay with you living with the other—talk it out, get everything on the table. When you make your choice, explain to the other one that you did not make it based on liking one more than the other, rather the convenience and ease living with the one you chose will bring. They know you love them.
I wish I could say more here, but the best thing I can tell you is that you don’t have to feel bad for feeling bad; you’re allowed to feel hurt. Try to talk it through with a professional if you can. Communicate with your parents about it all. Lastly, don’t tell yourself you’re not strong enough for that. You most certainly are. Some of us have to search for our strength is all. Some of us can summon our strength easily, while some of us have to search deep down … but it’s always there. You can do this!
Will keep ya in my thoughts, luv!